And with that last post (see below), I have a sad announcement to make.
After much hemming and hawing, I’m shutting down the House of Ill Repute.
This wasn’t an easy decision to make, ya’ll, but between school, my new job, managing my ever increasing debt load (damn Best Buy - damn them to hell!) and trying to wipe my ass and read a magazine at the same time without getting confused and wiping my ass with the magazine (it happens more often than I care to admit), I simply don’t have time to keep this place up and runnin’ anymore.
I’ve also learned a lot of lessons over the past year. I’ve made a million mistakes on this blog, and before I go, I’d like to share with you a few of the things I’ve learned…
1. ALWAYS REMAIN ANONYMOUS. I should NEVER have opened my big fucking mouth and started telling people about my blog. It’s not that I didn’t trust them - it’s that I immediately started self-editing. I began to worry about what people would think. Nothing strangles one’s muse faster than self-editing. In order to be at one’s absolute creative peak, one must be completely free to say EVERYTHING that one thinks and feels. Unfortunately, I put myself in a box where I couldn’t do that. I had to worry about being politically correct (at least to a point) and about hurting feelings and I began telling little white lies in my postings to keep certain readers happy because I knew I’d get an e-mail about it otherwise.
2. DON’T MAKE PROMISES. EVER. Your readers depend on you. Even if you have a small readership, you’ll find that they’re very loyal and look forward to reading what you write and seeing what you post. So don’t promise them that you’re going to post something and then not post it (like Sundy services - sorry, ya’ll - you’ll see why in a minute). Just post. Don’t tell folks when you’ll post again or what you’re gonna post - just post.
3. DON’T TRY TO TOP YOURSELF. How in the hell did Lewis Grizzard, Dave Barry and Carl Hiassen do it, day after day after day? Obviously, they, along with Will Rogers, were geniuses - brilliant fucking men. Every day, they got up, went to their typewriters or keyboards and managed to crank out something so gawdamned funny or heart-wrenching or beautiful - but usually hilarious - that every single column was a work of art. But how did they do it EVERY FUCKING DAY????? How was each day’s column better than the last? How did these icons of humor (two of them Southern by birth, three of them who wrote for Southern papers, and one of them who was raised in Missouri, by God) top themselves time and time again? I finally figured out that I’m no Lewis Grizzard - hell, nobody is and never will be. I’m done tryin’. It’s the reason I gave up on Sundy services - how can I be funnier than I was last Sunday? I’d worry about it all week.
Speaking of promises, a couple of folks (meaning two, last time I checked, one of which was me) bought stuff from the Store of Ill Repute, so I’ll take that and add enough to make a decent contribution to the Fibromyalgia charity in honor of Moonbeam.
4. DON’T MAKE IT A CHORE. That’s what it became, ya’ll. Another item on my “to-do” list every day. Something that had to be done before I could crash. And when I didn’t post something, I’d feel guilty, as if I had failed to meet a goal or accomplish something I was supposed to do. Like the Beastie Boys said, “Let it flow/Let yourself go/Slow and low/That is the tempo.” Post when you want and don’t post when you want. Don’t set up the expectation that you’ll post every day when you won’t.
There. That’s what I learned. I’m not saying I’ll never blog again, but if I do, I’ll follow my own rules. My domain name expires in the middle of July, so I’ll leave the blog up until then.
I once read an interview with David Byrne in which he said that he never says good-bye to people on the phone. He said he liked the idea of people getting used to him just not being there.
So….
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“cryin’ “…..something that I don’t do often enough.
Damn you, Max. You make me absolutely fall in love with you and then you dump me.
Seriously, I will miss you ever so much. If you still have my email address, drop me a line now and then. I’d like to know how you are doing.
And, thanks for all the great advice. It’s all very true.
Take care of yourself, my dear friend.
XOXOXOXO
Good luck, Max. Keep looking for the funny.
happy wandering Maxine…
awww Max…I hate to hear this!
buit your advice is probably good. I often find myself self-censoring because theres a few people out there who want to get their panties in a wad and take something I write personally.
(TPB knows me in real life, but if she can take hearing about my penis pump, and I can take hearing about her poontang, I guess she and I are beyond worrying about the other one)
I hope you’ll at least pop by and let us know how youre doing!
Best wishes to you…thanks for the laughs (and for reading my crap when I first started)
Dammit Max. So sad to see you go, my friend, but you do what you gotta do.
*tear*
Well, hell. Now I have absolutely no reason to get up on the weekdays. Will there be a Fart Blossom Support Group? I guess I’ll have to start drinking on the job in earnest now, to make it through the day. Do the Clairmont Hotel have any job openings left?
Aww..well congratulations and shit on your fancy new employment. Ya’ll really movin up in the world and junk. Maybe if I ever decide to come back that way I’ll book the crackeriest sweet you got up in there. Hopefully it will come with a complimentary cockroach for me to talk to when I start cryin’ in my Tanqueray. I’ll miss your bloggin’ my newest attempt at blogging is lackluster at best and you’re right if you tell folks about it then you start tryin to be polite and shit. I hate that. I need somewhere I can let my dick hang out.
Anywhos, thanks for the laugh a day at least for a while. Keep in touch with that other communication contraption we call email.
hahaha i put sweet instead of suite….NOW THAT’S CLASS!!!
Chow, oh I meant Ciao……
I hate to see you go because I just met you so recently. But I can understand why you feel you have to. I don’t work and have no life so blogging for me is time well spent. I don’t know how people can blog and work. The things you learned are very true especially #3 and #4. Once it becomes a chore. I’m done. So far with all the time I have I am still enjoying it. I don’t have much to say and if people want to read it fine if not that’s fine too. I just write “Whatever I Think” which ain’t a whole lot. I will say that I totally enjoyed our time together and loved your wicked sense of humor. You made me laugh so many times. I thank you for that and will Miss you. I hope everything goes well for you. Best buy is still looking for me to pay a bill I owe them. I just owe them interest and penalties, fuck ‘em.
Man, what a complete bummer. I just want you to know how much I enjoyed your blog. You are someone that I wanted to know.
I hope if you ever decide to blog again, you’ll tell me so I can see what you’re up to. I know I haven’t known you long but I just want to wish you and your Mr. all the best in life! Take care Max
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo. I’m terribly saddened by this news but do understand that sometimes life just gets in the way. Wishing you much love and success! Mwah!
by the way…I still have a crush on you…
I second what thehostests said.
BTW, when you start your new blog, cuz ya know you will get a wicked itch to write again, you damn sure better be dropping an anonymous hint to your anonymous blog about your anonymous ass so that we can anonymously get our feel… ummm I mean fill of your anonymous brilliance.
Hugs, we love ya and wish you the best…
You have our email addys and we hope you use them to anonymously let us know what’s up.
This just ain’t right. I find your brilliant ass after my nephew was killed out in California. Got hooked on you and now this. SIGH!
I will certainly miss getting up every morning in anticipation of your blog. If you ever start again, please let me know.
Love to ya!
I’ve loved your blog, your humor and insight, and even this “goodbye” post was excellent. I”m with you on the Best Buy sentiments, but for me it’s the goddamned Disvover Card. Damn Discover to hell. I don’t get over here nearly as often as I’d like because, like you, work and life seem to get in my way. I totally understand where you’re coming from. You’re a terrific writer and I’ll always treasure your advice on buying a pig. Here’s me wishing you wonderful things…
Shit. Fuck. Insert more cuss words here. I just came back, and now you’re leaving. I’m still going to go back and read what I’ve missed.
You are such a fantastic person, and I’ll miss you more than you’ll know, but I also know you’re hard headed, so I’m only going to say that I hope you’ll come back soon for round two, and I hope you’ll do it your way, like Frank Sinatra and Elvis did. Please drop me an email and let me know when you do. Huge hugs to you, Maxine.
I still miss you Maxine…
“The drinks are on the house…so let’s go get a ladder”
Love,
Your Hostess